I sort of recall walking and strutting in front of the mirror, running my hands over my body like a man would…. This continued for about two years, ...ntil I had a flash of self-disgust/guilt/religion when I disposed of it, the first of my many purges. Things were pretty vanilla for a couple of years after that first purge. Football, wrestling, girls, school and working part-time jobs in the winter and working on the family farms in the summer filled that slot. I can vividly remember the. When it was finally over Carlos and I got into a limoand we rode back to Candie's house. I started to cry in the car. I toldCarols that I had made a mistake by doing this. He lifted my head andlooked into my eyes and kissed me. He told me I was beautiful. I Feltreally confused after that, and in a way I wanted to kiss him back. Ilooked at Carlos and I realized for the first time how handsome he was.It was at that time I fell in love with Carlos. I told him I wanted tostay married to him and I. More

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